Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me

What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff

Oh, well

Boys are selfish and rude and beautiful and broken. They are deceitful and irresponsible and mysterious and stunning. They talk fast and play right. They smell great and taste good. They have venim for blood and liquor for tears. I hate them. I hate them. I hate me. I love him. If this is giving up, then I am giving up.

So the question of studying abroad has arisen. My mom wants me to take it. I want me to take it. I need to know there is something out there that made this all worthwhile. I want to be able to miss something for what it is instead of what it represents. NYC...what a beloved mistress. I think if I go I would just go for the summer. I can't miss Haley growing up...oy when did we grow up and how do we make it stop?

watch Grey's Anatomy. best show EVER!!!!!!!!

current mood: blah

Hope everyone is having a great vacation!!!

Happy Holidays!!

I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day through

In that small cafe
The park across the way
The children's carousel
The chestnut tree
The wishing well

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you

I'm going to miss you so much :*(

current mood: crushed

Happy Birthday Courtney Gilbert.....you're getting so big ::sniffle sniffle::

Come to the last Smokey Joe's it's going to be really special for Ashley... Sycamore Park @ 5pm =)

It has been the week from hell! Camp goes slower than anything in this world...and my campers although cute as hell, are friggen spoiled so they're used to getting anything they want, and that doesn't fly with me, they ask me ten times a day "when are we going to the beach?" "can we go to the snack bar?" "can we get ice cream?" good I hope they get fat....i'll have 6 pudgy little 6yr olds running around, and heaving, gasping for air, that should teach em =)

Smokey Joe's show 8/9 is tonight and my voice is going so I have been drinking tea like it's my job, and I'll tell you this... tea sucks! Last night after the show we went to see The Village well M. Night did come see our show we thought we'd return the favor..."you're welcome M!" hehe anyway it was a really cool movie, such an awesome concept, like you're unsure at some parts and then the end just blows you away, kinda like the 6th sense.  So Jen, Ashley, Steve, Carissa, me, Dan, Kat and Natalie went. First of all we have to sit in the way front because it's packed and we all want to sit together.  So Dan, being 6'3", complying with the conditions, tries to make himself comfortable and the only way he can see would be to lie back as much as possible so his knees are right up against the seat infront of him.  So about 15 minutes in, these guys sit in front of us, and the guy who sits infront of Dan (he didn't turn around mind you) was like "hey bro, you wanna let up on the seat?" and Dan was like "I was here first" and the kid was like "are you fucking kidding me" and he throws popcorn at Dan while still turned around, he doesn't turn around to throw popcorn, he throws it while facing the screen like a little girl. Dan ofcourse just laughs and eats the popcorn so I kick his chair and start cursing I'm all like "are you kidding he's like 8 feet tall shut the fuck up and watch the movie" and Dan tries to calm me down. Carissa tells me not to start anything because she'll in her words "jump her black ass over the seat and start a beat down" and after he throws popcorn I'm like "who the fuck throws popcorn, grow the fuck up!" so I'm still enraged like 30 minutes into the movie because it was just so stupid but Dan told me to calm down so I just sat and enjoyed the movie. Throughout the movie when their was scary music Dan would grab Kathleen to scare her and her having like the best personality and the best laugh she laughed and Ashley and Carissa would giggle because we were quitely making comments to eachother.  Blah Blah Blah the movie ends and we cheered for
Ritesh and M. Night.  First of all we stand up and Dan stands up and the kid in front of him stands up and he's like 5'3" so I laughed. We're walking out and we thought Kathleen was behind us so we waited. Those kids came out and they were like "what are you tough, what are you waiting for us?" I knew who they all were because they went to Mahopac, and they were all losers.  So we're walking out and he continues to say stuff to us like "well you had a case of the giggles" so I was like " that wasn't only us you fucker" then when we got out we walked seperate ways and he was still yelling shit so I kept turning around and talking back, what did he think I was not going to so he was like "come over here and say it" I was like "what are you gonna fucking hit me you piece of white trash" so the moral of the story is Don't take me anywhere no i'm kidding, just don't think I won't talk back, Dan thought it was funny but he kept saying " I don't care what they did to me but if they did anything to you I would be leaving in a cop car" he's so sweet so are Carissa and Kat for threatening to kick their ass "coz we are women W-O-M-E-N!!" Imagine we broke into the dance!

rest of the weeks highlights

*Got an email from a guy friend who I cared for so much that ripped me apart basically, but atleast it's so clear that I need time to be on my own

* Cory was missing finally found her in the downstair coat closet where she has a hole in her chin and she was bleeding all over spare blankets we can't take her to the vet because we're still paying off a $1200 bill for putting Felicia to sleep, aparently it costs money to kill pets

*still missing her...needing her more than ever

*going to lose him pretty soon, hard to make it work 7hours away

ok i'm out...party for my niece today, the light of my life =)

current mood: indescribable

"And it's a sad, sad world when a girl will break a boy just because she can"

I'm really glad I don't have to lose things to realize what I have

I don't take anyone for granted...but some people ruin it for the rest of us

Fourth of July was so cool!! went to the bartender from Cunningham's,Shan invited me thought I wouldn't be comfortable b/c I didnt know anyone then I remembered um this is me !!  Joey Boston's house drank a little much...but I'm proud of myself took 3 tequila shots...altho my record is 5 ( pizza just came out my nose...this is soo cool...remember Shan?)it was good for being a 2 year interval.  Definately not used to that much attention...I had a guy infamous for a huge @#$% wanting me and getting jealous because I was not monogomous in my flirting...I had a guy who looked like a mix b/n Topher Grace (that 70's show) and Robbie Williams .... wierd I guess I grew up :) I had so much fun, I hope it's going to be like a regular thing Shan and I have too much fun...there was so much booze, bonfires, fun times !!

Camp is cool, I miss Fulmar but Lakeview is alright... my girls said I was really pretty, as pretty as a Princess ... and saw people who I graduated with who I love seing bec high school is over and it's just awesome to brag about your new life!!

Reading A Streetcar Named Desire and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof going thru my Tenessee Williams phase but hey I'm not complaining...rehearsals have gotten better and my voice has improved so much just thru this show I'm so excited and people keep telling me to act and sing while I'm at school... god I wish it was that easy

Mom's birthday today! Trev, Nanc and my beautiful niece Haley are here and I get to see the love of my life (until I have my own) but that would mean Ed Norton has to step up .... :)

Hope everyone had a safe and happy 4th of July :)

First year is winding down and it is so scary. So many people have made this year great and I don't want to lose touch. My LI peeps said they are going to come to see my show this summer even Rocco who lives in PA, hopefully Justin will too then, but I understand if he can't!

I'm living with Renée, Catie and Cassandra next year in friggen 3103, but I'm excited I get to be with them all the time.

Shaz- I can't wait for this summer, we're going to have so much fun. Nothing is going to get me down, I refuse to go back to how I was.

Going to be 19 in 4 days! not an exciting age so I hear but I'm going to make it the best year. Adam and Dana are going to be 21 in june so that should be interesting!! House parties I think so! Going to be an Aunt in June and I've already decided that it's going to be the best moment of my life! (I'm the youngest and never had an experience like this) Everyone I have ever met said being an aunt or uncle is the best feeling and you love those kids with all you have.

Gotta go get dinner. Home in 9 days....:*(...but I can't wait until next year.

I'm imagining the way you say my name
I don't know when
I'm going to hear it again
my friends can't tell
my laughter from my cries
someone tell this photograph of you
to let go of my eyes

(You'll always be in my heart. You were my first love. Thank you for loving me)

current mood: indescribable

I will love you for four days

And not a minute after

Your tears are stained upon my skin

My ears just hear your laughter

The night that rain poured in your car

Your lips enraptured me

I’ll never know a touch like that

June 3^rd, 2003

The next night we drowned in covers

A sea of leopard skin

Despite your reluctance and your fear

I felt I drew you in

From that day on

You always plagued my mind

The feel of your lips, the mist of your breath

Was never far behind

Moonlight drenched our rendezvous’

The sand became our bed

Your presence worse than alcohol

You were always in my head

My emerald eyes met your warm brown stare

Across a crowded room

I saw no one else but you

Your scent now my perfume

The coin spun was up to fate

The anticipation caused me pain

You closed the door when you left

And I ran out in the rain

I told you on what side it fell

Fate came through after all

Your face showed confusion and disbelief

I said your court now had the ball

I said to myself to kiss and leave

To be my time to just have fun

But you stood there in front of me

And you became the only one

My guard was down

But yours stayed high

You feared my grasp

But felt my eyes

This time last year I did not know you

And you did not know me

Now my life won’t be the same

Thanks to summer 2003

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

current mood: depressed

Walking in the theatre it smelled of stale summer air. A musty aroma confronted our entrance, the fragrance of memories bombarded us. We sat in the front, on only green cushions to support us. The theatre was an ordinary, small, intimate black box theatre with not much to it, but what was about to happen was anything but ordinary. As the lights dimmed in the theatre and the talking quieted to whispers of anticipation, the musical began. A tall, attractive man appeared center stage, only illuminated by a spot light. He was as thin as a corpse with transluscent skin. His monologue was accompanied by soft notes on the piano, and his words pierced like daggers.  Out of the darkness around him appeared several shadowed beings who than broke out into song. All lost in their own harmonies and eyes glistening in the lights of the "ordinary" theatre. Such power arose from their bodies, such feelings struck me speechless. As the keyboard pounded out melodies, their eyes flickered with excitement. The lights blackened on a cast of ten people with their arms risen high and their voices stretching their strong notes. I was captivated. Their colorful costumes, their beating hearts, their piercing vocals. This is what I wanted to do, they were who I wanted to be. I was an eight year old christian little girl with only text books and oral morals to abide by, that night I saw the Book of Matthew made into life. The songs, the words, the expressions, everything one could die for. The theatre was not a hobby, not an interest, it was my life, and the actors were my teachers as well as my students. This was the day that determined the rest of my life. How could people move with such ease and grace across once a lifeless dance floor. No, it was painted gold with their finesse, it was brought to life with their sweat and tears. I had to be up there. I've never seen eyes glisten in the radiation of watted bulbs. Sparkles like that didn't exist in real life, and yet here I was experiencing it. These people weren't acting, they were living infront of us. They put on costumes and stage make-up, performed their traditions, formed a bonding chain, spread the phrase "break a leg" around a tight cast, but this was life, not a game, not memorized lines, rehearsed songs and over danced steps. It was the first time these words were uttered, the first time their fists pounded the stage, the first time they danced synchronized steps across what can only be considered their haven, the first time poetry flowed from their lips and brought tears to our eyes. When that electric guitar blazed for the first time and I watched Jesus convulse from his ropes, I begged for salvation. I prayed for his sake, I begged for his mercy...I had fallen from grace.

Performing was my calling, what I needed to do. What distinguished me in my fathers eyes from talented photographer Dana and pre-med Adam. The gift I had been given but always supressed. Not anymore, I was destined to be on stage, they always say to follow your heart where it leads you, so that is what I did.

When I was 8, I was put into extensive voice and acting lessons. I continued voice until I went to college. When I was 16, I got my first lead and then got 5 different leads by the time I turned 18. I was doing well and accepting the roles and learning all I could from the plays, my directors and fellow actors. But I yearned for the intensity, the excitement I experienced that night my life was changed.

In the summer of 2003 I got that chance. It was fate. Throught my WISE internship at high school I learned that the same exact theatre was putting on the same exact play by the woman whose part I had always wanted. I remember the day of the auditions it was a gorgeous day in May, and it was days after my 18th birthday and my brother's wedding. I remember taking a nap after school, diagonal across my parents bed, blanketed by the spring sun that was setting outside the window. My mom woke me up to remind me that I was auditioning, and in a post-nap grumpy stooper I almost forfitted the oppurtunity. But I grabbed my cd, and got in my car and blasted the radio and styled myself around my sun glasses and had to ease myself down from the nauseating nerves I usually experienced before auditions, and enjoyed the ride their.  The spring air was fresh and reassuring, this was going to be an amazing summer. When I got there only about 3 or 4 familiar faces appeared from the group, the rest were plagued by either Carmel aquaintences or strangers. I liked being unknown to this selected group. When I got up and auditioned I felt the butterflies melt away as the crowd was drowned out by the spotlight. The claps were abundant after my last note, it made me feel great. I remember I was asked to stay and sing one of the songs from the show, and this tall, skinny kid just looking at me going "wow, you're really good." I blushed and stepped back into silence, I watched him as he climbed in his car that day as he peeled out of the parking lot blasting his radio and being 18. Days went by and it felt like everyone knew who their part was, and I was about to give up until the night the director im'd me raving about how good the show was going to be and how great and talented the cast was, and then she goes "omg Caitlin, did I even tell you your part? You're Joanne!" After weeks of memorizing the character anaylsis on the Godspell websites, I sprung out of my chair screaming "YES!" It was not only the part I wanted but it was the exact part that my mentor had originated 10 years before.

The first rehearsal was so much fun. I couldn't wait to get there. I sped. And at traffic lights I practiced the way I would look when I first entered the theatre, butterflies consumed me before I shut my door, but the setting May sun reassured me. Entering the theatre that day I was greeted with that same stale summer air aroma. I guess I was late because a myriad of faces turned and scanned me as I removed my sun glasses and locked eyes with skinny funny kid. We introduced ourselves and then got our scripts and started rehearsing. I was so intrigued by these people. The way they looked their parts and assumed their characters right away, I was so nervous I was going to let them all down. That first day Skinny, funny kid and I were flirting. I figured just getting out of a bad "relationship" and assuring myself that I would go commando on relationships, it felt good to be flirted with, to see the kindness in someone elses eyes and the interest in another persons words, but it was just "nothing Caitlin, it was nothing" I told myself. At the end of the rehearsal the director said "these two are going to wind up having sex" I remember just being so excited I was singeled out and somewhat desired as me and funny skinny kid looked at each other then at our feet in embarassment, but excitement. I went home that night and scrutinized the script for a scene, a moment where we would say something to each other, or look at each other, just a line where our character names would touch. The play got off to a rocky start with a dropping of a cast member. So I said what about Shannon, my best friend whom I met through performing and also went to high school with. A week later she joined the cast and when she called me to tell me when I was at work and she says "who's Dan, Ashley told me he is already to start flirting with you, Go Cait." I was jumping up and down trying to keep my cool at work but at the same time so excited.

The next rehearsal, when Shan came for the first time, and I told her in the car. "Shan I'm crazy about him, please don't look too gorgeous I really like him." That day after our "flirting" which involved bickering and some quick witted shots at each other, he decided to dance behind my car in the rain. I was trying not to smile but I couldn't help it, so Shan, him and I went out to somewhere in Mahopac for pizza. During our outing I found out he had an ex- girlfriend he wasn't over, I was so dissappointed it felt like my heart dropped. I got a phone call while we were eating or lack there of since I found a hair in my crust, he decided to make it an evening rendevous to my house. So we went  there after....after flirting with him at my house and trying to keep his eyes fixated on me...we had a sweet moment on the couch. I was lying on him and I could hear his heart beat. We talked about our families, exes and different experiences....turns out I knew his ex- girlfriend...well but that didn't stop us. That night I think he pulled the line of all lines on me "So how do you kiss?" Well let's just say that night we both found out, as the rain came down around us. Rain was always our weather don't you agree?

somewhere in between the rehearsal, the foursome outings, the bickering, the random late night phone calls, the flipping of quarters, the running in the rain in only socks to tell him the quarter landed on heads which was left up to fate, I fell in love with funny skinny kid. He captivated me. Brown eyes so intense and so gentle at the same time. Arms that draped you and pulled you closer and a kiss that made you weak, yup this was it, fireworks, lightening, sparks, little fat ladies dancing on elephants, the works. The world swallowed us up that night and every night since. It's been a movie. Running in the rain. Kissing in Grand Central. Dancing in Central Park. Or the best calling me and saying "turn around" and being greeted with the kiss that eased my fears, dried me tears, and just plain restored my faith in love.

Shannon and Rich and Dan. Thank you for making that the greatest summer. I know things have been bad and mistrust has leaked from forgiving lips but I want to thank you, you not only showed me that their are three people I could care for more than life itself...thank you for always being there, talking me down from the ledges and holding me close as the pains of life tryed to eat away at me, you made an 8 year old girls dream become a reality, thank you for putting the sparkle in my eyes. Thank you Ashley, Court, Kat, Kev, Rich, Shan and Dan for shining with me on anything but an "ordinary" stage

P.S. I'm still with funny skinny kid, and we're in love....its not about regretting, its about finding strength and overcoming the past. I love you guys. Never forget that.